The words I want to say

Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been feeling as though I have been struck dumb. I am still writing in my memoir, at least a little every day. But writing in my blog seems impossible, most days.

There are so many things I want to say, but I can’t seem to find the words. Like: how it feels to walk into our kitchen and see the pamphlets on the table that my husband’s cancer care clinic sent him in the mail. I’m looking at one right now, with these words written across the front in bold print: Radiation Therapy, Your Role in Treatment.

How does it feel to see these reminders of my beloved husband’s health issues lying around the house? I can’t find the words.

Or how do I describe the way I felt when I walked outside with our two dogs a couple of nights ago and heard loud, wild, screaming voices coming from across the street. Was someone being murdered? My mind flashed back to watching the rioters at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, watching as it was happening on our big TV screen, days after learning that my husband has prostate cancer. What was happening now, just a few feet away from our house? Was it another riot, here in our small New Mexico town?

Luckily I had a flashlight in my hand, the kind that shines like an airport beacon. I turned it on and directed the powerful beam toward the direction where the high decibel whooping and hollering was coming from and instantly the revelers quieted down. Apparently it was just some people having a party, not a political riot. Whew!!

Speaking of politics — Oh. My. Goodness. Has it always been this crazy? Thanks to my almost lifelong PTSD, I haven’t watched many news broadcasts or read very many news reports in my life, because there is almost always something in the news that brings back a major trauma memory. However — because of the thirty Neurofeedback treatments that I was blessed to have in 2017, my complex post-traumatic stress disorder has healed to the point where I can now read and watch the news without being triggered into having a major flashback. Now when I see a headline about something horrific that’s similar to my past traumas, I am able to look away, read a different news story, and not dwell on the memories that the traumatic headline has brought to my mind.

But — my goodness! Do you know what it’s like to be my age and to just now be reading and watching news reports on a daily basis, after a lifetime of mostly NOT reading or watching the news? The news is CrAzY!!! Has it always been this insane? Some people tell me yes, some say no.

Maybe my previous ignorance was bliss.

Speaking of the news and traumatic memories, I got the picture at the top of this page from a news article about a part of Highway 1 in California that has recently fallen into the sea, due to heavy downpours of rain and mudslides. This picture looks almost identical to a scene from my early childhood, after an earthquake hit the northern California area where we lived at the time. That earthquake is my first clear memory in life. Welcome to the world, Linda!

Life is amazing. Crazy. Freaky. And sometimes Scary. But today, as I count my many blessings, I can honestly say that I am grateful to be here. I am deeply grateful to the Lord Jesus Christ for the miraculous, marvelous, blessed gift of life.

Maybe that’s all I really need to say. ❤ 🙂

48 thoughts on “The words I want to say

  1. atimetoshare.me January 31, 2021 / 11:06 am

    In a world like the one we’ve been living in for the past years, it’s not unusual to be suffering from depression. I consider myself a pretty positive person, but I don’t even realize how all of this is affecting me until I finally explode over something totally unrelated. I’m sure there is a greater plan in place, designed by God, but it is becoming less and less clear. Maybe we aren’t supposed to know the outcome.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote January 31, 2021 / 11:09 am

      I agree, I think we probably aren’t supposed to know the outcome. Hmm, suddenly I have an old hymn in my mind: “One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking from You…”

      Liked by 2 people

      • atimetoshare.me January 31, 2021 / 12:24 pm

        Love that one!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. bornagain732 January 31, 2021 / 11:14 am

    🙏🏻❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Amy Blount January 31, 2021 / 11:16 am

    I was just thinking this morning about trauma and what it does to its survivors. My childhood was filled with trauma to the point it seemed normal for something to turn upside down every other day. When I came to God, although I was much better, there were many days I spent conflicted because nothing major was going on. No emergency phone calls or things like that.
    It took a long time to realize that that wasn’t how people lived.
    I have now felt that peace since I’ve done the therapy and such. Emdr is what we used. But now with the virus and the political crisis I feel that “thing” creeping back in from time to time.
    Your husband’s health alone is enough for your plate. Then throw all that this world is giving us on top, I can’t imagine being in your shoes. God is the ONLY place we can get strength. He is the Only way to peace and quiet in our minds. Keep on keeping on friend…He will see you through. As far as this world? I think God isn’t going to stand for much more of this non-sense.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote January 31, 2021 / 11:22 am

      Thank you for your very kind words.

      Yes, I remember those days of feeling weird because everything was too normal!

      Like

      • Amy Blount January 31, 2021 / 11:23 am

        Been thinking about you and hoping you were well and good. I get excited when I see a new post from ya!! You always have something real to say.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. ibikenyc January 31, 2021 / 1:07 pm

    Seconding BORNAGAIN732:

    🙏🏻 ❤️

    And boy do I hear ya, but from where I sit, you deserve all the credit just for getting out of bed on ANY days. You’re carrying a tremendous burden, my dear!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. oldandblessed January 31, 2021 / 1:48 pm

    I’m experiencing some of what you’re going through. I have a ton of things to write/blog about, but my fingers seem to be suffering from some sort of blockage. They don’t seem to want to transfer the thoughts from my brain to the keys on my laptop. BTW, you did a good job of “not finding words” to say what you wanted to say. Enjoyed the piece very much.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote January 31, 2021 / 2:01 pm

      Thank you. You do a great job of ‘not finding words’ too, when you post. 😀

      How are you and your wife doing? I just said another prayer for both of you to be completely healed of the covid.

      Liked by 1 person

      • oldandblessed January 31, 2021 / 2:23 pm

        We’re doing well. I’m back at my regular routine. Chris has come a long way toward full recovery. I have to remember, we’re different from each other.

        Liked by 1 person

    • ibikenyc January 31, 2021 / 3:26 pm

      “BTW, you did a good job of “not finding words” to say what you wanted to say.” LOL; right?! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote January 31, 2021 / 3:31 pm

        Lol. Funny thing though, I keep going back and changing a word here, and taking out or adding in a comma there. I’m a little OCD that way…

        Okay, a lot. I’m a lot OCD. I was ready for the pandemic disinfecting and hand washing years before it happened.

        Liked by 1 person

        • ibikenyc January 31, 2021 / 3:45 pm

          I do the identical thing when writing! It’s NOT OCD: It’s high standards! 😉

          And me, too, regarding the hand-washing! Subway-riding and a dear friend who was an RN led me to that.

          I also had acrylic nails continuously from the very early 80s until about five years ago and quickly got into the habit of doing stuff with my knuckles.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. @preacherbiker January 31, 2021 / 2:52 pm

    Just a few words
    I LOVE YOU

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lesley (the English one) 😉 January 31, 2021 / 3:12 pm

    I’m sorry to hear about your husband, Linda. I hope you both get the support you need through this and that his treatment goes well. May God keep you both in His loving hands. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Anonymous January 31, 2021 / 3:21 pm

    Love you soooooo much, very grateful you are in my life.. have more to say? I’m always here for you xoxo.❤❤ (JM)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. seekingdivineperspective January 31, 2021 / 9:29 pm

    Linda, I’ve been taking a break from the news myself lately, trying to focus on things that aren’t so emotionally draining. – like the goodness of God. 😉❤️
    I wish you and I could just sit down and talk about fun, funny things, share our testimonies, and sing songs to Jesus! I think that would be very refreshing for us both.
    (P.S. I was disappointed I didn’t get to meet you when I was out West with my sister. Maybe next time.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote January 31, 2021 / 11:33 pm

      I’m trying to take a break from the news. But I’m kind of like a person who had to eat baby food all my life because I never had any teeth, and now I finally have teeth and I can’t stop eating!

      Yes, I really want us to meet face to face. If things ever get back to some semblance of normal, I will hopefully be traveling east to see extended family and attend my youngest son’s wedding, which was postponed because of covid. Hopefully then we can meet up somewhere. ❤

      Like

  10. Nyssa The Hobbit January 31, 2021 / 10:59 pm

    Yeah, politics have been nuts for about as long as I can remember. What’s going on now is basically the result of decades of throwing dung at each other and conspiracy theories.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote January 31, 2021 / 11:28 pm

      Right, conspiracy theories. I tend to discount those, because I can’t see how a large group of people can keep a really big secret for any length of time. It goes against human nature as I understand it. I believe the old adage is true: Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

      However… almost six years ago, back when I did not read or watch the news at all, I unwittingly got caught up in a conspiracy situation that I knew nothing about, because I wasn’t plugged in to either Facebook or the news. I’m still scratching my head over that one. I may post about it sometime.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Paul Martin February 1, 2021 / 7:21 am

    I have been praying for you and your husband, Linda. I completely understand what you’re going through! It is hard at times with all that I am going through, added to all the things going on on this world to write. I have about 8 blogs started…
    But honestly, I have been trying to focus on praising God in the midst of my struggle, and in the midst of all that’s going on. (It’s not easy!) I have stopped watching the news altogether, and have resigned myself to try and keep in mind that GOD is STILL ON THE THRONE! Whatever is going to happen is because He is allowing it. And I have been reminding myself that at the end of the day, in Christ, I am on the WINNING side! Some day soon, this old world will pass away, and we will be with Him! I have no doubt that we will look on the struggles that we think are so bad right now, and they won’t even COMPARE to our situation then!
    “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”
    (Rom 8:18)
    We don’t have to like what we’re going through … (I HATE IT! 😡) But God, in His sovereign will has allowed us to endure what we must. It will ALL BE WORTH IT! We have a hope and a future that the world doesn’t have!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote February 1, 2021 / 9:34 am

      Dear brother Paul — I agree 100% with everything you said here. Your faith is an inspiration to me, especially knowing some of the things that you and your family are going through. I’m praying for you, too. Thank you!

      Like

  12. Anna Waldherr February 7, 2021 / 12:55 am

    “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea…” (Ps. 46: 1-2). ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Beverley February 11, 2021 / 6:14 pm

    Yes, Linda, life is precious and we have to give God thanks. In spite of the crazy things that are happening we cannot give up but we have to continue to pray. I am sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis. It must be a trying time for you and family. However, God has the final say and He is able to heal and restore your husband. I will keep him in my prayers. Stay strong my sister.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. fgsjr2015 February 14, 2021 / 8:02 pm

    A day-by-day immense struggle, without doubt. …

    I read that it’s the unpredictability of a stressor (e.g. a bomb exploding nearby), and not the intensity, that does the most harm?
    When the stressor “is completely predictable, even if it is more traumatic—such as giving a [laboratory] rat a regularly scheduled foot shock accompanied by a sharp, loud sound—the stress does not create these exact same [negative] brain changes.” (Childhood Disrupted, pg.42)

    Meanwhile, in many straight minds, people addicted to drugs have somehow committed a moral crime. Yet, serious life trauma is typically behind a substance abuser’s debilitating lead-ball-and-chain self-medicating lifestyle.

    Generally, there’s a formidable reason why a person repeatedly consumes and gets heavily hooked on an unregulated often deadly chemical that eventually destroys their life and even that of a loved-one.

    It all doesn’t happen due to a person being bored with life!

    The greater the drug-induced euphoria or escape one attains from its use, the more one wants to repeat the experience; and the more intolerable one finds their sober reality, the more pleasurable that escape should be perceived. By extension, the greater one’s mental pain or trauma while sober, the greater the need for escape from reality, thus the more addictive the euphoric escape-form will likely be.

    Tragically, the pain may be so overwhelming that the most extreme and potentially permanent form of escape—suicidal behaviour—is sometimes chosen.

    We now know pharmaceutical corporations intentionally pushed their very addictive opiate pain killers—the real moral crime—for which they got off relatively lightly, considering the resulting immense suffering and overdose death numbers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote February 14, 2021 / 9:00 pm

      Thank you for sharing this. I agree. I self-medicated with alcohol in my twenties and thirties. The primary reason why I didn’t get into drugs is because I have had several severe allergic reactions, up to and including anaphylactic shock, to a number of prescribed medications. That horrifying experience turned me off to the idea of seeking relief from illicit drugs.

      Of course, alcohol is a legal liquid drug, although I did not realize that when I first began drinking. I eventually ended up in an alcohol rehab. Thanks to God and AA, one day at a time, I haven’t had a drink of alcohol since January 14, 1990.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Tazzie February 27, 2021 / 11:58 pm

    Oh Linda as one who has been in similar situation where medical and oncology information becomes the major reading material and outings. It is scary it is draining and confusing and when you are the person who is ‘care, support. role’ a whole new way to have to live. I so often did not know things, but as a RN there was an expectation(people knew me from when I worked at the only public Hospital in Hobart) I knew things. It was not easy and it was wrong for them I knew nothing as this was the person I loved and he loved me.
    Be kind to yourself and when you can ensure you have some time for you as you need it too Linds. You are both in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote February 28, 2021 / 10:42 am

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry you have gone through this, too. I have read enough of your terrific blog to know that you have done a remarkable job of putting your life back together in a beautiful way. I especially loved reading about the baby kangaroo you rescued and fed every two hours, around the clock. Amazing!!! ❤

      Like

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