Inside, Outside: My Life Today with PTSD and the Covid-19 Pandemic

Outside, the high desert/high plains winds are howling.

Inside, the house is quiet. My night owl hubby is sleeping and our two dogs are snoozing with him.

Inside my heart, I am mostly calm. Mostly optimistic. With intermittent moments of anxiety and wanting to cry, because:

1) My daughter in Washington state is very sick, probably with covid-19. Her boyfriend, whom she lives with, tested positive for covid two days ago. We are still waiting for my daughter’s test result. But with a fever higher than 100, and all her other symptoms, it is almost certain that she has it.

2) My son in Pennsylvania is having surgery on December 9 to remove a large kidney stone. He was recently exposed to covid-19 through his stepmother, who has tested positive. My son is going to be tested for covid before his surgery.

3) My husband will have surgery on December 18 to biopsy three hard areas on his prostate gland. With his documented history of high exposure to the deadly herbicide known as Agent Orange, the risk that he has prostate cancer is very high. My husband is high risk, due to having COPD — he must use oxygen at night — and he has had three medically documented heart attacks. The good news is that his cardiologist told him a few years ago that his heart has healed so well, his tests now don’t show any evidence of him ever having had even one heart attack, yaaaay! However, he is going on 72 years old, so I am concerned about his upcoming medical procedure.

4) My fourth reason for occasionally feeling anxious and tearful is simply everything else that is going wrong in our crazy world right now….

Ah! Just now, as I was writing this, the wind stopped howling outside! Yaaay!

Oops, never mind, Howling Wind is back.

5) I must also include my occasional annoyance with a small percentage of my Christian friends, who have either outright told me, or have implied, that for me to be anything less than 100% peaceful and joyful, 100% of the time, is a Lack Of Faith. To which I want to reply, Ooookaaaaay…. then why did Jesus weep at Lazarus’ tomb? And why did he grieve and sweat drops of blood, the night before his arrest and crucifixion?

I don’t say those things to my Christian friends, however, because I don’t like to argue. And I already know they will just try to convince me that those things are different. Okay. Whatever. So call me HUMAN!

Thankfully though, my moments of anxiety and tears are actually very few, all things considered, because I have had a lot of healing for my PTSD. And also because I do, in fact, really, truly have faith in God. I trust in His perfect will. But I also know that here on this fallen earth, very painful things do happen, even to the most faithful. Look at Job in the Bible, as one example. Furthermore, my own CrAzY life history is a case in point. Bad things happen in this life, even to people who don’t deserve it, by any stretch of the imagination.

However, since I became a Christian believer almost 18 years ago, after years as an agnostic/atheist, I have been amazed to see how God has brought beautiful and good things out of the traumas and tragedies in my life. So I continue to have faith, even when everything seems to be going all wrong, all around me.

Thank you, everyone, who responded to my previous post about my daughter’s illness with loving kindness and prayer. I haven’t replied to most of those precious comments yet, because…. I don’t know. Just because.

My daughter is my baby girl. She is 46, but still my baby girl. She and I have had a rough, rocky history, largely because of my almost life-long PTSD. And also because, before she was born, and while she was growing up, I kept unwittingly getting involved with people who were very much like my childhood abusers. I have learned that this is sadly very common among people who were badly abused as children. Until and unless we find healing for our complex, developmental post-traumatic stress, we tend to unconsciously gravitate towards the familiar. Plus we are very attractive to users and abusers, because our self-esteem has been so badly damaged, they know we aren’t likely to stand up for ourselves and say NO!

The collateral damage that happens, when a traumatized child grows up to be an adult who is still getting battered and abused, is that their children who witness this, suffer in all kinds of ways. Children growing up in this type of environment tend to identify with the person they see as the ‘strong abuser’ — or with the ‘weak victim’ — or, in some cases, they alternate between both. Unfortunately, my three adult children have had to overcome a LOT.

A couple of years ago, my daughter graduated with a Master’s degree in family and child counseling and became a licensed therapist. Six days ago, my daughter and I had the best, most healing phone conversation ever. We talked for a little over two hours. I am so thankful for my awesome daughter!!!

But now she is very sick, probably with covid-19, and my heart is filled with all kinds of emotions: from deep love, great gratitude, and walk-on-water faith, to anxiety and worry.

And I think that’s normal! My Christian therapist says it is. So, I am NOT going to beat myself up over it. Okay? Okay! I know there is a verse somewhere in the Bible that says we are to weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice. In other words, have some empathy.

Thank you for reading. I love every one of you, whether you agree with me or not. ❤❤❤

* * * * *

UPDATE: My daughter does have covid-19.  😦

60 thoughts on “Inside, Outside: My Life Today with PTSD and the Covid-19 Pandemic

  1. bornagain732 November 29, 2020 / 12:57 pm

    “ But I also know that here on this fallen earth, very painful things do happen, even to the most faithful. Look at Job in the Bible, as one example. ”….. AMEN!!!!
    And we love you 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Salvageable November 29, 2020 / 12:57 pm

    I have just prayed for your daughter, your son, your husband, and you. These are tough times, but God is big, and he will see us through. Of course we have the full range of emotions, the highs and the lows. But God is God no matter what. He loves us. He takes care of us. He will make everything OK. God bless you and your family. J.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. atimetoshare.me November 29, 2020 / 1:08 pm

    Don’t beat yourself up, sweet friend. You have had more than your share of pain in this life. Continue to remain strong in your faith. God will bring order out of all the chaos and he’ll use it to make something good out of it. I’m sorry for any negative comments you’re receiving from so called friends. God doesn’t work the way they think. It is not by any merit of our own that we are redeemed. Again, you’re in my prayers along with all you’re concerned about right now.

    Liked by 2 people

      • atimetoshare.me November 29, 2020 / 5:52 pm

        Love you too. And best of all God loves you and me❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. ibikenyc November 29, 2020 / 1:09 pm

    My heart is aching for you.

    My head is nodding in “Yeah; RIGHT??” solidarity with you over the (I’ll be nice) well-intentioned-but-not-helpful lot.

    My prayers are going out for you and him and her and everybody in your sphere ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. hatrack4 November 29, 2020 / 1:28 pm

    And please no condemnation from me, just prayers. I have had many moments lately when I just wanted to cry, but I was so well taught that “real men do not cry” that I do not know if I can. That makes it worse. Hang in there. And by the way, our baby boy is 41 and was really sick about a year ago. Those things can be all consuming.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Bruce Cooper November 29, 2020 / 1:37 pm

    One day at a time Linda Lee, you’ll do fine. Commit each day to the Lord and He will take care of the rest. You’re in my prayers. Blessings❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. bornagain732 November 29, 2020 / 3:11 pm

    And something else-we were never promised easy-but ARE PROMISED that our Heavenly Father will be there for us “always and until the end”- He says He will NEVER leave us or forsake us- what a blessing in times of trouble to know this! Not just know it BUT *B E L I E VE* Him and what He tells us ❤️🙌🙏🏻👑

    Liked by 1 person

  8. bornagain732 November 29, 2020 / 3:14 pm

    I love all these comments encouraging our sister, Linda in the Lord but for some reason I can’t “like” them ☹️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote November 29, 2020 / 3:44 pm

      I’m having the same problem with not being able to ‘like’ comments. I can only like comments on other people’s posts, when I am reading them while in my WordPress reader. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • bornagain732 November 29, 2020 / 6:23 pm

        🤷‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Sue Cass November 29, 2020 / 3:27 pm

    You just keep hanging onto your faith and I don’t care if these “negative” people are Christian or not, stupid people say stupid things. Just ignore them and hang onto the Lord. He’s got you and your family in His hands. Prayers for all of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote November 29, 2020 / 3:46 pm

      Thank you, Sue. I don’t know, sometimes, who’s stupid — me, or the person I disagree with. Thankfully, God loves His children anyway, stupid or not, lol! ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sue Cass November 29, 2020 / 4:45 pm

        Thank God He does love us, even with our warts. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote November 29, 2020 / 4:44 pm

      I don’t remember if I told you, I bought your latest novel, Amy’s Quest. I’m reading it now. When my brain will let me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sue Cass November 29, 2020 / 4:58 pm

        Thank you. I hope you enjoy it. I know everyone who has read it, that tells me, say they loved it. Even my Dr. and his wife. And he said I got the medical right! Whaaaa hoooo

        Liked by 1 person

  10. oldandblessed November 29, 2020 / 3:39 pm

    Sometimes, we go through a lot. The operative word there is “through.” I pray that God will continue to keep you and all your family in a way that’s sustaining, and that your latter days will be better. God bless all of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote November 29, 2020 / 4:10 pm

      Thank you so much, Mitch.

      My daughter just sent me a text about 15 minutes ago. Her test was positive. She does have covid-19.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mitchteemley November 29, 2020 / 5:02 pm

        From what you said, I’m not surprised. But then, neither is God.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Georgetta Head November 29, 2020 / 6:11 pm

    Your story is very sad, but there is great hope in the Lord.

    NOT IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!🥰💕👣

    Liked by 1 person

  12. simplywendi November 29, 2020 / 9:23 pm

    sending you gentle hugs and i have sent up prayers for all of you……….

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Nyssa The Hobbit November 30, 2020 / 12:26 am

    1) Prayers!

    2) One of my cousins was said to be an Agent Orange baby.

    3) Your daughter is almost the same age I am.

    4) Yeah, “Stepford Christian” is not real and not anything we’re supposed to be. Maybe these people have been influenced by the Prosperity Gospel, or by the people in American society the past few decades who are convinced you’re supposed to be happy all the time. It just doesn’t work that way, and if it did, where would your strength and resilience come from?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote November 30, 2020 / 4:37 pm

      Hi, Nyssa. I’m so sorry, I thought I replied to your comment hours ago. I was very sleepy at the time, so apparently I only dreamed that I replied, lol.

      Thank you so much for your prayers.

      About your cousin, yes, it’s my understanding that high exposure to the herbicide Agent Orange can cause DNA changes, which can then be carried down to the children and grandchildren. My husband fathered two children after his Agent Orange exposure, and they have both experienced health issues that may have been caused by the Agent Orange. War. It’s evil, in so many ways.

      I did not realize that you are nearly my daughter’s age. You are very one, for one so wise! 🙂

      About your point #4: yup, I agree. Very wisely said. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Sheila Murrey November 30, 2020 / 7:46 am

    Excellent points about Jesus and what we read about his expressions of humanity… I am of the mind that to be in the state of “100% peaceful and joyful, 100% of the time,” is NOT a Lack Of Faith, but imbalance. The way I teach peace and joy is with the yin and yang ☯️ symbol. When too much energy is sucked out of one side, the other swells larger. Imbalance.
    We are to seek balance to feel better. So, yes, certainly you are experiencing a lot, a big load on one side of the equation. I would have compassion for yourSelf and take the sayings of your Christian friends with a grain of salt. They don’t know your whole story. May you find comfort and your family healed. ❤️🦋🌀🙏🎼

    Liked by 1 person

  15. seekingdivineperspective November 30, 2020 / 11:20 am

    Absolutely you should NOT beat yourself up! You are making a positive but honest confession. When James said we should “Count it all joy,” he didn’t mean we had to FEEL joy. When you are going through all this and still COUNTING it joy, you are exercising true faith, as opposed to a happy-happy-happy faith that is only good feelings gushing out.
    Faith is a choice, not an emotion.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Alexis Rose November 30, 2020 / 4:05 pm

    Oh Linda, this is a lot of very frightening things happening at the same time to the loves in your life. I cant imagine being anything but upset and worried. Im ao sorry that your daughter has covid. And your son’s upcoming surgery also being exposed, and your husband’s procedures. That is so much!
    Im glad you posted and let us all know so we can all support you, and send your family waves of health and support.
    And you get to feel anyway you feel. That is such a wonderful sign of healing that you aren’t pushing your feelings away, minimizing or dissociating them.
    Sending you huge hugs and support! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  17. ourlittleredhouseblog December 1, 2020 / 12:10 pm

    More prayers headed your way all the way from Arizona. I am also struggling with fears over here and I too worry for my children’s future. I know what you mean about inviting more abusers into your life when you grew up being abused yourself. I struggle with trust issues all the time and have watched as my daughter and son go through the same things because of the toxic environment we all lived through. I got away from most when I went no contact when my children were 10 and 12 but they still went through some ugly times seeing how horrible a family can be when you say one little word NO…abusers hate that word for sure. Anyway big hugs and and big prayers for you and yours during this time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote December 1, 2020 / 5:22 pm

      Thank you so much for your prayers. I’m sorry you can relate to my past experiences of abuse, and the effects it can have on your children, as they witness the abuse. I’m so glad you aren’t living in an abusive environment any more!

      Like

  18. Paul Martin December 2, 2020 / 7:18 am

    So sorry you’re going through all of this, Linda! I appreciate your “real-ness”. It’s so easy to want to put this plastic smile on when waters of life are “troubled” and the wind continues to “Howl”! I think there’s this unspoken expectation that if we are believers that we have to walk and act as if we never go through anything! And if we show just a tiny “chink” in our armor, we are branded as “not trusting God”, “in sin”, or “just not having enough faith”….
    Sad! Christians can be the meanest people to other Christians! Ok…. I’ll shut up… But just know that I am praying for you, your daughter, and your husband.. and all the other things that you probably didn’t mention… God knows! And THANK YOU again for your honesty and openness to share!!! May the Lord continue to bless you, my dear sister in Christ!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote December 2, 2020 / 7:38 am

      Dear brother… you just started my day with happy, grateful tears. I know you and your precious family have been through so much this year. Prayers for you and yours, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. bornagain732 December 2, 2020 / 1:50 pm

    How is your daughter? 🙏🏻❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Lee/Lady Quixote December 2, 2020 / 4:48 pm

      She’s feeling about the same as yesterday, which was worse than the day before. 😦

      My daughter is a licenced therapist and was seeing up to ten clients a day in her office before she got sick. Now, she is seeing her clients through zoom on her computer. I think she needs to just rest!

      Like

      • bornagain732 December 2, 2020 / 7:02 pm

        Bless her heart! Yes she does!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Cachet December 12, 2020 / 4:03 am

    💝

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Anna Waldherr December 13, 2020 / 9:41 am

    I agree w/ your view of things, Linda. If we were already perfected, we would not need to bring our cares and anxieties to the foot of the cross. David wrote: “Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    Try me, and know my anxieties…” (Ps. 139: 23). And he was a man after God’s own heart. This is a walk of faith which means it is an ongoing process. We take it a day at a time. May God keep His hand of protection on your family as they endure these trials. And may He comfort you, Linda. The world may be shaken, but God remains on the throne. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  22. The Eclectic Contrarian December 14, 2020 / 9:11 am

    Any praise reports? Prayer requests still?

    Liked by 1 person

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