I was staunchly agnostic-atheist for many years. With my Mensa IQ, I believed I was too intelligent to believe in “God and other fairy tales.” (That’s right, even a so-called “genius” can be REALLY stupid.)
A big part of my unbelief stemmed from the fact that I had been badly abused by a couple of “Christians.” The hypocrisy of my abusers, and of several other self-proclaimed Christians that I have known, totally turned me off to Christianity.
Then there’s the problem of all the mind blowing evil that happens every single day in this world. How can an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, perfect and holy God of love, allow such things as babies being born horribly deformed, tiny children with terminal cancer eating away at their bodies, massive earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes that kill thousands of men, women, and children in one fell swoop — and the never-ending evil of war — of child abuse — and weapons of mass destruction — and on and on and on the list of horror goes. Surely an all-loving, all-powerful, and all-knowing God of perfection would not stand idly by and allow all the misery we see in the news every day, plus the many more terrible things that never make the news — not to mention the horrors that I have personally endured.
Oh, and I also did not like the idea of an omnipresent Being seeing, and judging, my private sex life. Hello — if a Creator exists, then He supposedly gave me my sexual drive and organs, right? But I’m not supposed to actually USE them the way I want to? How fair is that!
As for any so-called evidence of intelligent design, well — evolution was the explanation, right? First there was a big bang, then a primordial ooze, then a single cell came to life somehow, then survival of the fittest over billions and billions of years, and yadda yadda yadda, here we are!
After my kids were grown, I went to nursing school. The more I learned about the complexity of human biology, the more impressed I was with the sheer brilliance of evolution. (And WHY is there something instead of nothing, as Einstein asked? Ah, who knows.)
My assignment one day during my nursing program was to observe an open heart triple bypass surgery from start to finish. The surgeon invited me to stand on a foot stool at the patient’s head. I had the perfect view as the surgeon cut open the patient’s chest and retracted the rib cage.
You know, we don’t think very much about all the wonders that surround us every day, because they have always just been here, from the moment we first opened our eyes. The sun, the moon, the stars, the ground beneath our feet. The trees, the grass, the flowers, the @#$%&! sticker weeds (especially here in New Mexico). The birds, the cattle, the purring kittens, the loyal dog with a wagging tail. People of every race, shape, and size walking by. A baby’s cry. A child’s laughter. The vast variety of foods we eat each day, the smorgasbord of tastes, textures, and smells. The incredible way that all the foods and vitamins and minerals we consume are digested and utilized by the millions of microscopic living cells that make up our bodies. Each breath we take, every beat of our heart. It has all been going on since the moment we came into existence, so we take it all for granted.
Standing on that foot stool in the operating room, mere inches away from a seventy-year-old cardiac patient, I watch as blood spurts up when the first incision is made in his chest. I watch as the sternum is cut open and the ribs are retracted.
And there, right under my nose, is a beating, pumping heart, flanked by billowing, breathing lungs.
How did this…
all by itself…
Oh, boy. Not cool. My “genius” agnostic/atheism was severely challenged in that mind boggling moment.
But, I quickly shook it off. Because, yeah, EVIL — and babies with cancer — earthquakes and hurricanes — WAR — child abuse — my own abuse — and abusive, lying, cheating, hypocritical “Christians.” And, last but not least, my private sex life.
A few years later, shortly before my fiftieth birthday, I finally reached the end of my know-it-all self. Then I prayed and asked the God I did not believe in, to show me if He is real or not. I told Him I was willing to repent of my sins and submit my life to Him if He really was real.
It did not happen overnight. And I still don’t have all of my questions answered, by any means. But today I am a Christian. I am a believer, because the preponderance of the evidence compels me to believe.
PS: Today, I look back over my life and wonder how I could have been so stupid, for so many years, about so many things. What does having a high IQ mean? All it really means is that I am good at taking IQ tests. When it comes to common sense, not so much!
As for all the reasons that I had for not believing in God, because I thought God was doing everything “wrong” — allowing evil, tragedies, abuse, etc etc — the best answer I have found is God’s reply to Job, found in the book of Job, beginning with chapter 38 verse 1, and continuing through chapter 42 verse 6.
If you scroll down through the comments, you will see that this entire section of scripture, is contained in my reply to Lee Poskey’s comment. These verses from the book of Job are a very long read, but well worth the time it takes to read them.
NOTE ABOUT COMMENTS: Polite comments are welcome. However, I will not post comments from atheists arguing their beliefs, or lack thereof. Why? Because I have been there. I know how pointless and circular such “discussions” are. Not to mention time consuming. I’m too busy for that, sorry.