The Dance of Acceptance

I am reblogging this post by Alexis Rose because I sooo understand this post. Although I have been amazed at how much improvement I’ve had since I underwent neurofeedback treatments in 2017, there are still certain kinds of triggers that can take me by surprise.

Like when my husband surprised me last night with airline tickets he had purchased, so I can go to my granddaughter’s wedding in Connecticut in July. I want so much to be there at her wedding. And I’m super grateful that my husband cared enough to find a way to make it possible.

But I have been dealing with the stress all day. I’m going to fly? All by myself? And be gone from home for four whole days? And then fly back? All by myself? Oooooh!

We had a tornado warning a couple of nights ago. One of those “imminent extreme alert take shelter now” warnings. I was amazed at how calm I was. The very next day, a bomb cyclone came through with hurricane-force winds. Again, I was incredibly calm. Yaay, I thought, I don’t have PTSD anymore!

Then I find out that I am flying to Connecticut in July. Four months from now. And I keep having to remind myself to breathe…

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Here I go again; the dance of acceptance. I have a pattern of every so often “forgetting” that I live with PTSD. I’m not sure if it’s mental gymnastics that I perform with gold medal perfection, or that it’s normal when living with a chronic illness to experience fluidity of acceptance.

I deal with and know how to ride the waves of triggers, and day-to-day symptoms; that is part of my everyday life. I manage that as I manage my household chores.  It isn’t until I come face-to-face in a serious way with something I would like to do, but I’m unable to do because of my current abilities, that I remember that it’s because I have PTSD.

Recently I had to revisit my vocational abilities. That was extremely disappointing. I was the only one surprised by the same results. My family and friends watched me go through the stress…

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