When I yelled at God

Lady Quixote/Linda Lee

I have cried out so many times to God, asking Why. Why all the pain, why all the suffering. The only answer I have gotten is that God is love, and I can trust Him.

I went through a couple of years of heavy binge drinking after my dad died in January of 1988. Almost two years to the day after his death, I drank all the booze I had in the house, which wasn’t much, maybe a couple of beers. Then I walked out into a freezing snowfall, in coastal Maine where I lived at the time. I walked for 17 miles that night in the snowstorm, along an unpaved road that was so isolated, there weren’t any houses or power lines for most of those miles.

dark_snowyroad

As I walked, I yelled at God about all the things that are WRONG in this life. I yelled about wars, earthquakes, hurricanes, volcanoes, wild fires, and tsunamis. I yelled about children with cancer and babies born with mental retardation and horrible physical deformities. I yelled about child abuse and rape, I yelled about cheating and abusing spouses. I yelled about all the traumas I had gone through and all the things in life that are painful and hard and horribly unfair.

I yelled until I had nothing left to yell. Then, feeling empty and dead inside, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I decided that I would walk until I could not walk any further, and then I was going to lie down and die in the snow.

And then… God was there. No, I did not see any visions or hear any voices, but He was there, as real to me as the falling snow, as real as the cold wind and the moonlight shining through the clouds. God was there, everywhere, and His presence was perfect LOVE.

I could sense that God knew me, inside and out. He knew every one of my faults, all of my weaknesses, and each of my many sins. He knew me better than I knew myself. And yet He loved me, He cherished me, with a huge, awesome, perfect, unconditional love. His love for me felt bigger than me, bigger than the sky, bigger than the world, bigger than the entire universe. He loved me absolutely and perfectly, just the way I am!

Then a truck came down that unplowed road, the only vehicle that had come through in all the hours I had been walking. The truck stopped right beside where I was trying to hide from the headlights in the trees. A man I barely knew called my name and told me to get in the truck. He told me that “a strong feeling” had put me in his mind and told him I was in trouble and that he needed to go out into the snowstorm and look for me. (Later he told me that God had put the idea in his head.) Then he drove me home and dropped me off, that old Canadian lobster fisherman whom I barely knew.

Today, more than 26 years later, I still have many more questions than answers, when it comes to God and religion. But I believe God is, I believe God is good, and I know God loves me.

I also believe I can trust Him, even when life hurts.

My experience with God’s amazing loving presence in the Maine snowstorm was the last time I took a drink of alcohol, the night of January 14 – January 15, 1990. Before that, I was binge drinking alcoholically for two years, and I had even spent 30 days in an alcohol rehab. I was going to AA meetings several times a week. But I could not stop drinking no matter how hard I tried, until I had this spiritual experience.

Yet I did not become a true Christian believer and Christ follower until thirteen years later! In the meantime, I was living life my way, doing what seemed right in my own eyes, and getting into all kinds of messes and heartaches — even sober.

But God never stopped loving me — because God is Love.

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31 thoughts on “When I yelled at God”

  1. katiesdream2004 May 3, 2016 / 10:36 am

    What a beautiful illustration that God helps those that can’t help themselves. Yelling at God is a form of prayer in my opinion

    Liked by 4 people

  2. katiesdream2004 May 3, 2016 / 10:38 am

    opps that posted before I finished the thought. The yelling prayer is often the most authentic raw, desperate sign of faith there is. You wouldn’t bother yelling if you didn’t have expectations that God is better than what you experienced. For 13 years after rescuing you, He waited patiently, that is a beautiful thought.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 3, 2016 / 10:57 am

      I agree, Katie, I believe the reason God chose to reveal Himself to me so profoundly in that moment was because I was being 100% authentic, and I was crying out to Him with all my might. Even though I was screaming in anger!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Tony Burgess May 3, 2016 / 10:41 am

    I think people think that God intends to keep us free from strife and bumps in the road. I think he is here with us through all of that and how he cares about us when times get tough. Its sometimes less about what he isn’t doing and it’s about what we are doing. Take a look at Job and see what is going on there.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. atimetoshare.me May 3, 2016 / 11:12 am

    I think David is a great example of an open relationship with God. Oh that we all had that ability to yell and scream and protest and fight and wander and stray and give up and let loose. Oh! I guess we do have that right. In fact God invites us to lay our burdens on Him and He will give us rest. There are many times when a good scream gets it all out there on the table. Once it’s out, we can begin to deal with it. Thanks for this wonderful testimony.

    Liked by 2 people

      • atimetoshare.me May 3, 2016 / 5:05 pm

        Aww that’s so nice of you to say.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Diana May 3, 2016 / 12:18 pm

    Very raw and very moving. Loved it! God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. rubycommenting May 3, 2016 / 12:50 pm

    And Linda, I was thinking, you had walked 17 miles out! If you had changed your mind at that point or even sooner it’s not like you would have made it. You would have had to walk 17 more miles to get back home. So the lobster guy was a God sending. You had in a way already died, you had walked too far.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Doctor Jonathan May 3, 2016 / 1:44 pm

    Having a special spiritual tie to God has enhanced my quality of life. I am glad you had this experience and shared it with fellow readers. It is experiences like this that emphasize goodness in a world that is full of evil. Each of us has a choice of which direction we choose to follow. I like the choice you made.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. luckyotter May 3, 2016 / 3:34 pm

    I love this story so much, and even though we may never know the answers to all the questions, we can be sure that God is always right there and always loves us no matter what.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. survivednarc May 3, 2016 / 6:25 pm

    What an amazing, powerful, and sad, and inspiring, story! I wish I could have such a faith, that you have. I am glad that you have it though!! Hugs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Object of Contempt May 4, 2016 / 6:00 am

    There have been times I thought I was forgotten by God. I haven’t thought about killing myself for a long time, although I often think it would be nice to just go to sleep and not wake up. Walking out into the snow is just giving up… and to realize now that God was aware of you and pursuing you is a huge thing. That realization that God has pursued me, when I can keep it in mind anyway, is the one thing that helps me most to cope with the contempt. When God listens… answers a direct prayer specifically… makes a way… sometimes it isn’t obvious to us when it happens. But, then you look back and you have to fall on your knees and praise Him and thank Him.

    Thank you for the testimony. He is so good!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. J. May 22, 2016 / 8:52 am

    I wish I could hand every agnostic and atheist I know a copy of your post….it is a powerful example of how God shows up for us in our darkest hour. When someone has experienced something like this, no one…nothing….no religious dogma, no level of disbelief or doubt or fear or anything else on earth can take away the knowledge that God is LOVE and that love is ours.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. lbeth1950 May 23, 2016 / 8:32 am

    This is so moving. There is no doubt you are precious to God.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Mason May 23, 2016 / 9:13 am

    Great sharing there, Miss Linda. And, reminders of God’s love come from all kinds of places – – – like your blog! I needed that today and am glad you posted it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 23, 2016 / 9:35 am

      Praise God! My husband and I are about to leave — today — on a 1200+ mile round trip to a family wedding. Long drives, especially on the interstate and through large cities, make me nervous. I, too, needed a reminder today about God’s love and grace.

      Like

  17. Susan Langer May 24, 2016 / 1:55 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. God is the only one who can turn us around.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. insearchofitall May 29, 2016 / 10:12 pm

    I liked how you told your story. The feeling is real and I so relate and understand. Thanks for sharing something so deeply personal. I’m sure it will help someone else out there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 30, 2016 / 12:45 am

      Thank you for your very kind words. I was worried, when I shared this story, how people might react. I have been pleasantly surprised to find that my worries were unfounded. God bless!

      Liked by 1 person

      • insearchofitall May 30, 2016 / 6:13 am

        I tend to worry about what people will think too and don’t want to put people off but it will either resonate or not. Then it’s not about me, it’s about them. 🙂 Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy the life you have. Hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

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